Normality in Death

It is now thirteen days since my dad died, and six days since we buried him. They say "Time is a Great Healer"; I know in some ways that is very true. As time progresses the loss seems that little bit less and life will slowly turn back to an adjusted normality. To be honest I am not there yet.

My mind is not filled with questions of faith; as you know from reading my blog I have faith and losing my father has in no way shattered that. I believe my dad is with God, and it was God who had a greater need for him than we do. (I am sure some will roll their eyes at that notion but others will know exactly what I mean). I am having problems with the physical aspect of death, death on a human level. Surly my scientific brain should kick in and help me adjust...but it hasn't yet.

In some ways I feel childlike. I have a nephew who, in his young age, is still processing the loss of his Papa. He can sense the sadness that surrounds us all, he knows his Papa has gone away but still can't understand why he can't just phone him. Perhaps this is normal - but in many ways I feel the same way. My dad isn't there anymore - the memory isn't enough. Now when I want to see my dad I have to look at a photograph or watch a video I had taken of him. I can't do what I want to do, which is simply sit it a room with him. We didn't have to speak, we just sat - watched TV. Even trying to put it into words is very hard to explain...this will of course lead others to say...he is still there with you. Yes I get that...but the physical loss is still horrible.

Unfortunately, with death comes business. Sorting out the affairs of a loved one is horrible, as all of as sudden you are thrusted into to deal with their personal business. It is amazing how many things we put our name to as we progress through this world. Passport, driving license, car ownership, mobile phone contracts...the list just goes on and on. However, the worst bit is for the one left to deal with these accounts when you are gone. Not that my dad left anything in a mess...nothing could be further from the truth...both my mum and dad were well prepared people and they sorted out their private business in an excellent way. It is simply the matter of closing or transferring the name of the accounts solely to my mother. Every company I have dealt with so far have been great and understanding - and the policies they have in place for loss and bereavement have been top notch. However, its understanding what they are doing that hurts - They are taking the name "John Ferguson" and pressing the delete button. That seems to be how easy it is to delete the record of my dad's existence. Everything I did yesterday felt like I was eliminating him more and more from this earth.

I know my dad was more than that - but the action still hurts. Perhaps time will be the great healer...it won't be the same but I pray that it will get easier.

I decided to do something today to honour my dad - of course I doubt he will find this funny never the less I did it anyway. My dad just loved to watch sport - even when he was alone I could hear him voicing his concerns to the TV over the style of play of what he watched. With the Australian open coming up I know my dad would have his heart set on watching Andy Murray take another Grand Slam. I guess my dad will have an even better seat in the house to watch the game now and I can imagine him shouting "Come on Andy"...just as he did upstairs when sitting alone watching the game.

So dad...just to let you know...I have put a 'fiver' on Any to win! Can you do us a favour and as the big man to give him a little bit inspiration - or better yet - you give him the inspiration! Cause I know you can.

Sorry about the rant today folks...decided to let my mind wonder and my fingers type.

My love you to you all and happy reading.

Jafwords